THE AERIAL MARRIAGE PATCHER FOR CHEATING HEARTS (KYLE HEMMINGS)
Does distance really make the heart grow fonder? Recent studies suggest that it doesn't. Here, at Rainbow Plumage,Ltd., we've developed a novel solution to the problem of faraway mates and cheating spouses: The Aerial Marriage Patcher. The A.M.P. (as developed by M. Schlesinger and C. Rodaius) is a hybrid of the slender black-capped lory , LORIUS DOMICELLA, and ingenious microchip implant. This is to say that The Aerial Marriage Patcher is capable of ORIGINAL thought and observation. Here, at Rainbow Plumage Ltd., we've worked hard to program our A.M.Ps with the coding language developed here: B++ for Complex Lories. Simply put, consider this scenario. A soldier is off fighting a war somewhere across the globe. The wife becomes bored, angry, frustrated. Her mind wanders. She starts considering an affair with the hobnailed banker from Spruce Street, whom most women wouldn't give a second look at. In suspected cases of infidelity, The Aerial Marriage Patcher will unhinge its cage door and fly into the bedroom. There, it will perch upon a bedpost or window ledge and utter such programmed reminders as EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE A THOUSAND MILES AWAY, HONEY, YOU LIVE HERE INSIDE MY WALLS. Or--HONEY, IF I EVER CONSIDERED CHEATING ON YOU, MAY GOD STRIKE ME DEAD IN MY BED. In such instances, where the spouse feels the unbearable twangs of loneliness as evidenced by constant turning at night, absent-mindedness, talking to oneself, the Aerial Marriage Patcher will settle upon the aforementioned's pillow and will sing such classic love songs as ONLY THE LONELY, UNDER THE BOARDWALK, or, I WAS MADE TO LOVE HER. Here's what some of our SATISFIED customers had to say about the A.M.P.
"It has such beautiful vocal quality and pick-up. It reminded me of that old cockatiel I loved back in Mrs. Hensen's classroom."
"The Aerial Marriage Patcher not only saved my marriage, it also made me a more sensitive lover."
"At first, I worried about sleeping without JIM. Thank God, for that sweet bird. A true nightingale."
Remember: Distance may make the heart wander from its nest, but it's the Aerial Marriage Patcher that will keep your true love flying.